Frolicking in the long grass of spring’s early days, Lila gathered the little flowers into her small, wicker basket. When combined together, the strange mix of flowers made quite a bright bouquet. But Lila didn’t notice, adding anything with a blossom to her basket.
“Lila!” her mother called, appearing on the hill above her beckoning for Lila to return. Climbing the hill, Lila smiled and laughed as her mother pulled Lila into her arms, spinning her around before setting her back on the ground. Taking Lila’s hand, Lila’s mother led her back home, away from the shadows that came creeping from the East.
Before the fire place, night creeping in the windows without ever coming in, they sat together talking as the night grew old.
I loved this. I always enjoy flash fiction, and you explore the theme in all its colors. I especially like how you even touched on the desire to be alone, or so it seemed in Aloof. You express the themes so well, it speaks for itself. If I could think of any constructive criticism, and im taking a shot in the dark here, sometimes it feels a little on the nose when you mention how alone any one narrator is. The writing shows it so well, why say it? doesn't happen much, but that's all i can think of. Excellent work my friend. I hope it's well received!
Thank you so much. That critique is very valid and something I'd forgotten about. Considering "Alone" as the example, I think the reason that I directly state it is to do with me being unsure of how to smoothly end it. I just looked back at a bunch of them and oof. Boy, I end with some variation of the narrator directly stating what I had just spent the piece showing. Whoops. However, I do think it's because I was unconsciously attempting to end each piece off at a point where the scene feels concluded and wrapped up so my natural instinct is to put one strong statement. I'd love to fix it, but looking at how frequent I used it I really don't know if I'd be able to neatly stitch the ending together. If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them. I appreciate the comment on the themes as I worked both consciously and unconsciously to attempt to create a somewhat inter-connected flash fiction anthology. Thanks so much! (I'm still working on reading the rest of yours, but I should be able to put together an opinion on it before too long, fingers crossed)
No worries. I'm a victim of the button statement as well. XD let me see what I can put together here. You don't do it in abandoned that i can tell. In lost, id keep it, as it seems to be more on the feeling of being lost as well as alone. being alone is a fundamental part of it. in "alone" id literally just cut the last line. "He was lost in the middle of the forest, the night creeping across the lost sky." it still has that button feel, or perhaps you could end with a question in quotes, "What do I do?" or "where did everyone go?" You could even say He called out as the night crept across the sky, "insert here" lots of options, and to be sure, its still pretty good. Isolated, First off, oof. quarentine. I know this feeling. Second, it's fine in my book. Distant though, may need a touch up. you make a point that this watcher is alone, and that's a good thing. You can have your cake and eat it too with some figurative language. Say that he is alone, but do so with some pizazz so no one notices. example: and your welcome to it if you want to take it. This be a private comment. "But for all the people he sees and the lives he observes, one thing can never change. He looks to the space at his side. Empty." or something to that effect. It could be that the synopsis made me hyperaware of the words "lonely" and "alone." You actually do this trick with loveless. That ending is gold, and the same goes with forgotten. Aloof is good, but even if it wasn't, saying alone would be applicable. Aloof is about wanting that loneliness, or at least preferring for better or for worse. Fianlly, you have return, which is also fine. Not nearly as big of a problem. I hope i helped or gave some ideas on what could be done, but to be sure, it would only make amazing work marginally better. its a great concept.
Firsly, that's a fun term: button statement. It took me a minute to get, but I like it. Secondly, this comment is so helpful. I was a bit lost on how to accomplish a lot of the changes I knew I needed to make but this is perfect. Thank you so very much. I went with "He was lost in the middle of the forest, night creeping across the open sky." I think it works, thanks for the nudge towards just removing the last fragment. I actually have been considering a complete re-write of "Distant" due to it being the only story where I only use telling without really showing. Definitely going back to the drawing board on the end. I'll keep that in mind when I do. Thanks. (I also did already change forgotten because I used a repetitive statement that had no purpose) I figured that as the latter half of them actually broke the pattern. Thank you so very much, if you ever need help on anything, I'd love to help in any way I can.
YESSSS! I'm just glad I could help. I try to keep a tit-for-tat kind thing. You helped me quite a bit, so I should do my best to do the same.